tea in the balcony

I go inside and feel a wave of fulfilment envelop me – this is a place I truly call home, I think to myself.

I hear the splash of warm water in this cold January night, your voice singing along to another pop punk song, as I turn around and see the bits of belongings we acquired together to make this place a bubble of our own.

In moments like these, I look back and see how far we’ve come, and that I am exactly where I always dreamed of being since I met you.

No, it’s not perfect, and I know a lot will still have to take place, but as Billy Joe puts it, “Baby, I don’t have much, but what we have is more than enough”.

In the most mundane of days, doing absolutely nothing, my heart is at peace and I am filled to the brim with joy and ease.

This Happened: I Wish I Hadn’t Found Out

It was still February, only a days before this post happened, when I wish I hadn’t found out about one of the biggest surprises in my life. Let me take you back to that night, and for the sake of discussion, I’ll refer to him on this post and every other as ‘D’.

It was around 9 in the evening, I was lying comfortably on the bed, fumbling on my phone trying to take a rest after a long day of work. His four-year-old nephew (let’s call him ‘G’) sat across me, busy playing on my Nintendo Switch. Just moments before, he broke my mindless scrolling on Instagram and asked me to download a game or rather a painting/coloring application which is actually quite more suited for him than those stuff I have on my console.

Preoccupied in our own worlds, I didn’t notice D leaving the room and leaving his phone beside me. I usually don’t notice such things as he rarely keeps anything from me, we know each other’s ATM PINs, phone passwords and can easily open these things but we don’t invade each other’s privacy so all these stuff just goes unnoticed. Well, until that night.

G must have painted over a couple of pictures by then and has started to learn how to create an empty canvas to draw into. Quite amused with his new discovery, he then drew, and colored happily on the Switch. G then called out to me, “Tita, picture mo ‘to. Send mo kay Nanay.” (Aunt V, please take a picture of this and send to mom.)

I would have used my own phone if it weren’t for these two things:
1. I was pissed off during that moment G asked me to send a pic to his mom because I found out that I lost my ‘G Forest Points’ completely, which I know should be full during that time.
2. I didn’t see D’s phone beside me.

I didn’t even have to put in his password – both my face and my fingerprint are registered in his phone. I should’ve stayed away from his Messenger app that night. Not knowing better, I opened the app, and yet again instead of just searching for G’s mom name, fate had it that I scrolled through the messages to look for her chat message.

I did see his mom’s name on the list of chats, but before I could send her the photos as G asked me to, my heart first lost it. It was one of the moments you’d never see coming but would change your life forever. Just a few messages above G’s mom was a reputable jewelry store specializing on engagement rings, and the most recent message says, “Thank you”. I know, I know. I should not let this get the best of me, for all I know he could simply be inquiring for a different jewelry, or a gift for his mom (it was almost her birthday), but my heart feels like it’s pounding right off of my chest. It took all my willpower not to open that conversation.

As if on cue, D entered the room and looked right at me. He knew I saw. It must have been the look on my face, or the tears in my eyes, or my shaking laughter that gave it away, but I’m absolutely certain without saying anything that we both knew. He started laughing as tears start to build up on his eyes too. We dare not interrupt the moment with explanations. Had he been just simply inquiring was enough. It meant that he had plans, and in that moment, it was more than enough.

I didn’t ask, nor did he confirm. As we lay in bed that night before sleeping, I found myself crying happy tears. He must’ve noticed because then he said, “Kapag nakita mo, alam mong para sa’yo ‘yun.” (If you saw it, you’d know it’s meant for you).

smothered

one last time, I told myself
look you in the eyes,
feel the tenderness of your lips.
one last bottle, as i empty another
enough tears and such sad music,
shut these mem’ries that linger.
one last drag, huffed and puffed.
the warm comfort of your touch,
now part of my haunting past.


must’ve been kismet, or call it fate
maybe just my own sinful measure.
count the chug, the drag, all the tears i’ve shed
in your arms, my walls could never deliver.
again, staring at those deep dark eyes,
forever – my undoing, i’ll surrender.

alternate reality

In a parallel universe,
colliding you and I – freezing,
stopping clocks;

In a parallel universe,
my grasp matches yours,
steadfastly strong;

In a parallel universe,
your voice wanes not,
sorrow has no place;

In a parallel universe,
for you and I alone,
planets, stars align;

In a parallel universe,
we would be
what is of
love.